The Burglar
by jinglebellsisawesome
Summary: Bilbo Baggins was not somebody that could be spooked easily, what with facing down fire-breathing dragons and possessing dangerous magic rings. So when Frodo Baggins finds something that manages to scare his uncle so badly with something so small, it's a little bit unsettling. And maybe just a little bit...funny? ONESHOT. No slash


In his very old life, there weren't many things that could surprise the old Bilbo Baggins. Good golly gosh, he'd seen it all; from fire-breathing dragons to magic rings. Yep, there wasn't a thing that could fool the old sod - he was the best burglar in the whole of Middle-Earth. Not a thing could scare him, of that much he was certain. No, not a thing.

"Bilbo, there's a spider on the ceiling."

Well, everything except that.

"What? Where! Where is it?" Bilbo yelled in a high-pitched squeal, jumping atop his mother's best chair. "Where is it?"

His nine-year-old nephew barely held back a chuckle. "Uncle, you can't be serious. It's a just a silly old spider. It's not even that big!"

"'_Not that big'_? What are you talking about? It's massive! Albeit, you're probably right about silly as its heading straight toward the fire."_  
><em>

Still chuckling to himself, Frodo turned towards the kitchen.

"Frodo? Where are you doing?" Bilbo started to panic, "It's moving towards me! Help!"

The raven haired hobbit soon reappeared, brandishing a finely decorated glass cup. "To get this," he said as he neared toward the harmless little insect.

"Hey- that's my favourite cup! Don't use that to trap the spider in!" Bilbo's complaints fell on deaf ears as the young hobbit soon managed to ensnare the spider. "I'm never going to drink from that cup again," he said morosely.

Frodo shot his uncle a _look _as he slid his hand underneath the cup and started towards the door to deposit the poor creature. "Don't be so dramatic; you don't even like the cup."

"Well...no, but I've only kept it to irritate Lobelia as she started insisting that it belonged to her and-" suddenly, a very clever idea came to the elder hobbit. "Frodo, wait! Don't get rid of it!"

Frodo's head emerged from behind the door frame bearing a confused expression. "What are you talking about? I thought you wanted it gone-" His face brightened. "Do you mean we can keep it? Oh, I've always wanted a pet spider to play with. It can stay in my little special box, you know, the one with the green top, and-"

Bilbo's face turned green as he started to say how they would _play_."No, no, my dear boy. We can't keep it."

Frodo's face started to droop. "Oh..."

"_But_ we can sneak it into the Sackville-Baggins' home and give them a surprise attack!"

A smirk etched its way onto the young hobbit's face. "All right, I'm in."

Bilbo let out a grin but quickly realised that there was something else more pressing. "Frodo, my boy..."

"Yes, uncle?"

"Help me off this confounded chair!"

* * *

><p>After several minutes worth of careful planning, the two Baggins' started to hatch their secret plan to get back at their disastrous relative.<p>

"Alright, so Frodo, I will go in and check that the coast is clear and then I will hum my favourite tune-"

"_The Road Goes Ever On and On_," Frodo interjected with a smirk.

"Yes, that one. Anyway, so I will hum that tune and then you will go in and put that..._monstrosity _in her cabinet, and then we get out of there. Agreed?

"Agreed."

So, that is how the old hobbit found himself in the house of his worst living enemy.

_Good gracious, how much perfume does this women need to cover herself with?_ Bilbo thought to himself as he placed a wrinkly hand over his nose. _You'd think that with the amount of stuff she puts on, she'd at least suffocate half to death!_

Suddenly, a loud bang told the burglar that Lobelia was entering the house...and starting towards the kitchen!

_Quick!_ Bilbo started to run around in circles as the end was starting to approach in short, quick strides. _Think of something!_

Too late. The kitchen door burst open with a _bang,_ accompanied by a loud shrill at the expense of her relative scurrying around in her kitchen.

"Ah! Lobelia," Bilbo said, "what are you doing here?"

"What do you mean what am I doing here," the woman practically screamed, "this is my _house_!"

"Yes, and a lovely one at that."

The poor woman's face seemed to get redder by the minute. "Bilbo Baggins!"

The hobbit in question put his hands up quickly. "Now, now, Lobelia. I've just come to, uh..." he struggled to force the word up, "_apologise_."

Lobelia frowned in obvious mistrust. "Apologise? Well, now I _definitely _know that something is up. The Bilbo Baggins I knew would never be able to crawl out from beneath that ginormous amount of pride and apologise! What is the world coming to?"

Bilbo couldn't deny her that. "Yes, but I've know since decided to...make amends, whenever and wherever possible. So...yes, I _apologise _for all the wrong I've caused you."

His relative barked out a laugh. "My dear Bilbo, you broke into my house, forced your way into my kitchen and possibly drawn yourself up a secret battle plan to sneak your way in judging by the ink marks on your forearms - you always wore a very sloppy writer -...just to _apologise_? Unbelievable!"

"No!" Bilbo shook his head frantically. "Not just to apologise, but to also to gift you with this very expensive glass cup that belonged to," cough,"_my_" cough, "mother. Ahem, Frodo!"

Silence.

Perspiration started to drip down Bilbo's brow. "FRODO!"

There was a loud crash towards Bilbo's right that caused Lobelia to scream and a _very_ out of breath hobbit to start crawling through the now-broken window. "I'm here, Bilbo."

Said hobbit resisted the urge to slap his forehead. "Give that to me, Frodo," he muttered to his dear nephew and he tried his hardest not to shudder when his hand touched the cool glass just over the enormous spider so that Lobelia wouldn't see what was inside. Holding it out to his enemy, he said, "You see, Lobelia? This now belongs to you."

However, the poor woman was to frightened to even formulate coherent sentences. "You...I...What?" She raised a bony finger in Frodo's direction. "You broke my window!"

Frodo decided to take matters in to his own hands (quite literally). Snatching up the glass cup from the unwilling hobbits hand - not that he complained much, mind you -, he pressed it firmly into Lobelia's hand. "Yes, I did break through your window," he said calmly, "and yes, Bilbo did break into your home, but we're the Baggins', what did you expect?" Frodo grasped his uncle's hand and started towards the window again, "we really must be going." And with that note, the young hobbit pushed Bilbo out of the already shattered glass unceremoniously before following behind, leaving a very shocked and confused hobbit behind in the ruins of her home, bearing only a glass cup.

"Well," she said to herself, "at least I have you." She took a closer look at her new cup and promptly screamed, dropping the offending item on the floor, all but shattering the only thing keeping the spider from escaping.

"_BILBO BAGGINS! You will pay for this, mark my words. You will pay!"_

* * *

><p>The two hobbits were still huffing and puffing even after they made it back into the comforts of Bag End.<p>

Leaning against the door frame, Bilbo Baggins soon found that his strength was starting to fail him and his legs all but collapsed underneath all of his weight.

"Uncle," Frodo started, unsure. "Are you all right?"

"What? Oh, yes, my dear boy, yes I am all right. But what about you? You're the one who jumped through her window, after all." Bilbo fixed his young nephew with a stare so powerful that he felt compelled to explain himself.

"Well, I did try the door but she must have locked it when she went back inside and so I, may have..."

"Yes?" Bilbo prompted.

"Jumped through her window?"

There was a long silence that seemed to stretch on almost indefinitely. Frodo felt the tension in the air and had to lower his head in shame.

Bilbo couldn't take it anymore. A loud cackle started to bubble within him to the point where he couldn't _not_ hold it in. What started as a small chuckle suddenly blew into a world-wide laugh for Middle-Earth.

Frodo raised his head when he heard his uncle start to laugh, and he frowned in confusion. Shouldn't he be telling him off more...?

The older hobbit raised a frail finger to his nephew. "You...you actually _broke _her window..." he broke off in laughter. "That is the best!"

Frodo joined in the laughter also at the entire situation and not before long the two hobbits found themselves rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. With tears flowing free from the eyes.

Oh yeah, they go all out.

"No, no, listen, it was like this." Puffing out his chest again, Bilbo raised his finger to his nephew. _"'You broke my WINDOW!_'"

Frodo dissolved into fits of laughter again.

After several agonizing minutes during which the two hobbits burst a lung or two from inhaling way too much oxygen, Bilbo wiped away the moisture that had started gathering in his eyeballs.

"Say, uncle," Frodo began.

"Heh. _Say uncle_, now that is a rubbish game."

"Bilbo!"

Chuckling to himself, Bilbo raised his hands again. "Sorry, sorry, carry on."

"You know, for all your talk about being a good burglar, you didn't really do very well today."

_That_ stopped Bilbo's laughter. "What do you mean?" Bilbo asked with a definite pout in his voice. "I'll have you know that I am a very good burglar."

Frodo raised one eyebrow.

"Hey, don't you raise that one eyebrow at me! You know I've always wanted to do that!"

Frodo dropped his eyebrow.

"Now, then," Bilbo huffed. "I _am _a good burglar. I once burgled for the Line of Durin, and the King Under The Mountain himself!"

Frodo gasped in surprise. "Really, uncle? I didn't realise you knew famous people. So you actually have normal friends?"

"Of course I have normal friends! Who did you think where my friends?"

" I don't know...trolls?"

Bilbo gasped. "Trolls? As friends? Never! You know what, I'll tell you all about the unexpected journey of Bilbo Baggins - and you will see for yourself that I am a _very_ good burglar with normal friends. Now, it all began in a hole in the ground..."

* * *

><p>Times started to pass by and before he knew it, Bilbo Baggins one-hundred-and-thirty-one years old, stuck watching life move and change before his very eyes.<p>

And his dear nephew followed in his _very big_ footsteps and saved all of Middle-Earth from the Great Eye, Sauron, and Bilbo's magic ring.

How times change.

When did the world start to move so fast?

...And when did it start to turn so slow?

Before Bilbo knew it, he was in a big carriage with his tall nephew (_when did he grow to be so tall_) who had to half-carry him to and from the carriage.

And then, he found himself at the Grey Havens in the company of the Lady Galadriel and Lord Elrond and four other hobbits other than his nephew.

"I think..." he started in a voice that spoke of his oldness and his frailness, "I'm quite ready for another adventure."

Bordering the ship, he closed his eyes and beneath his eyelids he could see the shapes of King Thorin Oakenshield and Kili and Fili and Bifur and Bofur and Bombur and Dori and Nori and all of the others that, in his old age, he could not remember the names of. And all of them smiling at him in a comforting manner

"Master Burglar," King Thorin spoke in his deep commanding voice. "Welcome home."

Bilbo smiled. "It's good to be home."

~The End.


End file.
